Break Ups

For close to three years, he said he loved me. He talked about marriage within three months of dating.I had never wanted to get married, but for him, I loved him enough that I did.

I have revolved my entire life around what's best for us. I planned our future. I spent tireless hours trying to find him the better job he wanted (because he would complain, but never fill out an application himself). I tried to plan a time when I could make more money so he could go back to school. I tried to plan a small business to run from home so I could (in the future) home school our future kids. I painstakingly worked to make our house a home for us.  I struggled to take care of most of the house to show my appreciation that he made more money than me.

I felt as if I put us first, and he put himself first, and I told him this, tearfully, and begged his help.

And he, tearfully, agreed. Telling me he loved me. Couldn't see his life without me. Was on the same page as I was regarding our future.

And then. He moves out. While I'm at work. Without telling me.

And why the breakup? Because my priorities were wrong. Because I "put him on too much of a pedastal." I "loved him too much". He had realized he was "no longer in love with me", no longer "saw himself marrying me", and "wasn't ready for this."

I may seem confused and bitter. But that's because I am. I am not trying to be the bitch painting him as a horrible man, because he isn't. I'm trying to understand what went wrong. And because his logic makes no sense to me, I find myself worrying that it isn't true- there must be more that he isn't telling me. And my mind is going crazy.

I wish him the best. But I will never understand.

I left school because I wasn't happy with it, and thought I could build a better future for us by creating experience that would look good on a resume. I strived towards owning my own business so I could be a stay at home mom for our kids. I have been busting my ass to loose weight so that I could one day bear the children we wanted.

Now that my life has revolved around him and what I thought we wanted.

Now that he's not around.... what do I do with my life?

For a fabulous prize, choose between door number 1 or door number 2.

     When I was in elementary school, I knew I was going to grow up to be a writer. I'd write constantly. Short stories, poems, lyrics, anything. I filled notebooks with my words, convinced that one day my words would be bound between leather covers. And, I was decent. I was better than other kids my age and had some natural talent. Then, in fifth grade, a teacher told me that to become a good writer, I would have to take classes and workshops and work hard on my craft for the rest of my life. I decided that was too much work, and set my sights elsewhere.

     By sixth grade, I decided I was going to be an actress. I daydreamed of Broadway and Tonys and breathing the energy of the stage nightly. And, again, I was decent. I had some natural talent. And in my tenth grade acting class, I was told I'd have to take classes and learn different methods and create my "craft" over my lifetime, ala Stanislavski. One again, I decided that was too much work, and set my sights elsewhere.

     By eleventh grade, I decided I was going to be a director. I felt excited at the prospect of controlling the emotions of the audience and creating my dream atmosphere on stage. Once again, I had some natural talent. And by my second year of college, I realized that pretending to give a rat's ass for college classes I was well beyond was too much work.

     Anyone else see a pattern beginning to divulge? I joked to a friend a week or so ago, that, "I may not be amazing at one thing, but I'm pretty above average at LOTS of things!" And it's so adequate. I've dabbled in so much: writing, acting, directing, jewelry design, painting, sewing.... and I never stick to anything long enough to truly become great.

     Which leads to the question: is this a generational thing? Or a female thing? Or a Pisces thing? And am I happy living life this way? While I'd love to be considered the "expert" of a subject, or at least become recognized in a particular thing, the concept of doing the same thing every day for the rest of my life makes me practically suicidal.

     So what does that mean? I bounce back and forth between different minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life so I feel some form of stimulation? Or, the opposite: I force myself to sit through my boredom to accomplish something worthwhile in my life, despite how I feel about it?

     I feel like I have an infinite number of options for what to "do with my life" or "what to be when I grow up". I feel like I don't choose something and stick to it, I will be unsuccessful in life. I feel like if I do pick something and stick with it, I'll spend my entire life wondering "What if?".

     Am I alone in this?

The lovers, the dreamers, and me

Okay, here's a not-so-secret secret of mine. When I was a kid, I was terrified of balloons.

Stick with me on this one.

I had to have been about five when I got a balloon from a grocery store. I remember in the parking lot, letting go of it, and watching it float up into the sky. My childhood imagination wondered where it would go, and what would happen. Would it hit an airplane? Would a bird fly into it? What damage could this balloon do to these things? Surely it couldn't simply explode- otherwise people would be hit on the head with latex balloon droppings from the sky daily.

In my terror, I refused to hold a balloon again.

Unable to articulate my fears, I would beg and plead for a balloon everywhere my parents took me, simply to scream and howl that they hold it, not me.

At this very young age, I felt a strong responsibility for things far beyond my control.

As a teenager, this feeling manifested in my social life. I would constantly try to control social situations and help my friends in their problems to an unhealthy degree.

And now? As a young woman?

I have GOT to get the next few years of my life in control. The wedding, the marriage, my home, my career, and the future.

And I've kind of let things chill for a few months. I have had a very laissez-faire attitude towards life. Boy and I have been engaged for six months and other than some casual lookie-loos, I haven't really progressed much.

I've been in a pseudo-depressive funk lately, and its because of the lack of progress. So, here's to the next step in my life- whatever it may be. I'll know it when I see it. But, I've got to get to the point in my life where I'm looking again. No more waiting around.

Because who knows what will happen?

I'm kind of like a balloon, floating up, up up..... Hoping to God a bird doesn't smack right into me.

Words of Pseudo-Wisdom

Ah, there are few things I am certain of in this life.

1) No one will keep or remember their New Years Resolutions, six months in.

2) True love isn't about soul mates or destiny, it's about two people who are adult enough to realize it will be a struggle many days, but that they love each other enough to work on it.

3) Contrary to what John says: a birthday is not just another day. It's the one day of the year that people are forced to believe that you are the princess you know you are. Birthdays should be extended to birth-month celebrations.

4) If someone shows you who they are: be it a giver, a liar, or anything else- BELIEVE THEM. Don't stay in a toxic relationship, thinking it will change.

5) Your family is just that- people bound to you by blood. You don't really have any obligation to keep your great aunt or whomever in your life because they are family. If they are scummy, keep them out.

6) If someone says: "You think you're better than me," it's truly indicative of who they are. They are very insecure of who they are in comparison to you. If someone accuses you of being self involved, they are probably insecure about being self involved themselves. People who spit out nastiness have a lot of nastiness inside them and you should brush it off.

7) Love is all you need. Love and everything that comes with it. Respect, trust, honesty, commitment, hard work: all of these are things that go hand and hand with love and you can't get very far without the whole package. That's true of every relationship in your life: family, friends, significant others, and coworkers and bosses.

8) I refuse to be in my sixties and complain about the things I wish I had done when I was younger. I have a long list of things to do, and I intended to check them off. Life is the longest thing you will ever experience, and you should make the most of your time and do as much as possible and experience as much as possible.

9) Back rubs are God's way of saying: Either this person really cares about you, or you really care about yourself to pay for this. Either way, it's an expression of love.

10) The world would be a more magical place if people broke out into song randomly.


Happy New Year. Share the love, and most of all: Love Yourself. If you don't love yourself, who the hell else is gonna love you?


(Yup, that last line was stolen from RuPaul. But hey: it works and it's right. I always make sure I'm number one, and I've got a lotta people showin' me love in my life.)